The Graduation Rollercoaster

I received my cap and gown in the mail last week and I could not have been happier. After all my hard work in school, graduation is almost here! A few days later I received my honor cords and tassel pin from NSLS and I was beaming. After all these years, here I am, about to graduate with my Masters with honors. My husband has been nothing but proud of me throughout this whole process and he tells anyone and everyone that I have a 4.0 GPA, that I truly enjoy what I am doing, and that I am going to be an amazing teacher. Honestly, I have never been more excited than right now.

And yet…..

I think I’ve been feeling a little down for the last week or two. I have applied to a few jobs, which admittedly have been long shots, and there has been no response. I will begin to broaden my horizons to more realistic goals once school is over for the summer. I contemplated taking some summer classes, even enrolling in a few, but have since changed my mind. I am currently in this weird limbo where I’m not sure what to do about adding more endorsements – start now or wait to see if my future employer can offer financial assistance. But, the biggest downer has been the fact I cannot find a summer job. Lame, right?

Then came the cap and gown, the honor cords, and the pin. Just the boost I needed! Look at me, with all these accomplishments! Nothing boosts the ego better than a little self-recognition. Then came the email stating all graduates will receive eight tickets. Eight tickets…. Eight? Who are these eight people I am supposed to invite? All I did know is that I needed to have my hubby and my bestie there. That was a given. Of course, his parents are going to come too. And that’s when my mind started playing its evil tricks on me. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I would not have parents there. I tried not to dwell on the fact that there would not be any of my relatives there. I focused on just how damn proud my hubby and bestie are of me. Their love, pride, and support are more than anyone in the world could ask for.

So, why the long face, Seabiscuit?

Because sometimes life can be lonely. And it sucks. And I don’t have an explanation for it. It’s not about feeling loved because I feel that tremendously. However, there is a certain solitude sometimes that is hard to explain. Recently I was reading an article about the most important things to do in your first year of teaching to avoid burnout. Suggestions like breathe, don’t be too hard on yourself, and over plan were the words of advice I expected. Then the article slapped me in the face with “Call your mom. She loves you and is proud of you. She will cheer you up and make you remember why you are doing this” or something along those lines. Thank you Education World, I appreciate that advice.

Needless to say, I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. Then yesterday my funk blew up into a temper tantrum that might rival that of a toddler. Why? I’ve just become overwhelmed with this sense of loneliness. I feel like an orphan on so many levels. And it’s hard to explain to people without sounding depressed or angry. I’m not depressed. At least I don’t think so. Although, I may be a little bitter. I’m bitter about lost connections. I’m saddened by people who stopped trying. Did I stop trying too? I suppose I have. I know life gets in the way for everyone, but there are some people who really try and others who just don’t. And that hurts.

I have been thinking (and overthinking) about everything and I do know there are plenty of people who support me and are proud of me. I am by no means saying I do not appreciate these people in my life; I really, truly appreciate them. But, I sometimes feel like I am standing in a crowded room of strangers. It’s kind of like arriving at a busy airport or train station looking for the person who is supposed to pick you up. You are surrounded by people, and often times they are nice and even helpful, but they are not who you are looking for. It’s that void, the anxiety of waiting for the person to pick you up, that I sometimes feel in life. It’s hard to explain and I’m not sure my analogy did it any justice, but it’s a start.

Here’s the irony of my situation. I wholeheartedly know that when my name is called at graduation my bestie will be cheering the loudest of anyone in the entire auditorium (I mean, have you met her??). I also know that I cannot wait to lock eyes with my hubby when I am standing on stage because I cannot wait to see that “You did it!” moment that will consume him. So why am I in a funk, you say. Honestly, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like it really comes down to an internal battle of quantity versus quality. Again, hard to explain; that was my best attempt.

I would apologize for the less than uplifting teacher blog post, except I’m not really sorry. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about all this and I just wanted to get the words out. It’s my blog and I can post my thoughts, whatever those may be…. Spoken like a true toddler wrapping up a tantrum….. *insert foot stomp here*. I guess what I am saying is that I needed a place to talk myself through this whole situation. There is a lot more to it that bothers me, but I know people have busy lives perusing much more entertaining social media outlets. So, if you did actual get to the end of this post, I would like to thank you for listening/reading. While I may not have clarity, I do feel better expressing my frustrations. And I suppose that’s a start.

 

There’s no crying in 4th grade

This week I took over the social studies block. While I was anxious, I was really looking forward to the activities we planned for the students. This was the second half of a two-week chapter on the U.S. Midwest Region and the kids seemed to be pretty engaged. We had one more quick project before the test and I was looking forward to it. As I began to explain this final project, one student huffed and said “Another project? Ugh! It’s not like I’m ever going to visit the Midwest!”

What?
See, the thing is, we actually live in the Midwest. We are in a suburb of Chicago. Chicago – which had TWO different points of interest in the text – O’Hare International Airport and Wrigley Field. I pointed out the fact we live in the Midwest and this student seemed genuinely surprised by this revelation.
While this may be a humorous, face palm moment, I can’t help but wonder how many of these students are out there. And how do I reach them? Of course my dream is to have a classroom full of students diligently and happily working on my insanely creative projects. Realistically, I know this will not the case on so many levels. But, how do I get things as close to the dream as possible?
On a somewhat brighter note, I finally flexed my teaching muscles. To the extent I made a student cry. While that was not my intention, it appears to have instilled a sense of respect, and maybe a little fear, in the rest of the class. I am student teaching in a district that is fortunate enough to have Chromebooks and iPads available for all students. I love that there is so much technology available for the students. I personally think responsible use of technology is something all students should learn – these are skills they will use throughout their education and into their careers. For the most part, the students are really good with their usage. But, there are times that technology is distracting. After reprimanding a student more than once, I was forced to take away his iPad. He reluctantly handed it over, eyes welling up. As I walked away from him, many students stared wide eyed and the class grew very silent. Hopefully they now know I mean business! We will see how the next week goes.
Speaking of the next week, my cooperating teacher has given me the responsibility of rearranging their seats. She switches things up frequently since this group is especially chatty. I’m excited to have the responsibility of creating their new seating arrangements but I am also nervous I will make the wrong choices. I guess in all honesty, I am just overall nervous every day. I keep wondering if that feeling will go away. Eventually it will…. right??