The Graduation Rollercoaster

I received my cap and gown in the mail last week and I could not have been happier. After all my hard work in school, graduation is almost here! A few days later I received my honor cords and tassel pin from NSLS and I was beaming. After all these years, here I am, about to graduate with my Masters with honors. My husband has been nothing but proud of me throughout this whole process and he tells anyone and everyone that I have a 4.0 GPA, that I truly enjoy what I am doing, and that I am going to be an amazing teacher. Honestly, I have never been more excited than right now.

And yet…..

I think I’ve been feeling a little down for the last week or two. I have applied to a few jobs, which admittedly have been long shots, and there has been no response. I will begin to broaden my horizons to more realistic goals once school is over for the summer. I contemplated taking some summer classes, even enrolling in a few, but have since changed my mind. I am currently in this weird limbo where I’m not sure what to do about adding more endorsements – start now or wait to see if my future employer can offer financial assistance. But, the biggest downer has been the fact I cannot find a summer job. Lame, right?

Then came the cap and gown, the honor cords, and the pin. Just the boost I needed! Look at me, with all these accomplishments! Nothing boosts the ego better than a little self-recognition. Then came the email stating all graduates will receive eight tickets. Eight tickets…. Eight? Who are these eight people I am supposed to invite? All I did know is that I needed to have my hubby and my bestie there. That was a given. Of course, his parents are going to come too. And that’s when my mind started playing its evil tricks on me. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I would not have parents there. I tried not to dwell on the fact that there would not be any of my relatives there. I focused on just how damn proud my hubby and bestie are of me. Their love, pride, and support are more than anyone in the world could ask for.

So, why the long face, Seabiscuit?

Because sometimes life can be lonely. And it sucks. And I don’t have an explanation for it. It’s not about feeling loved because I feel that tremendously. However, there is a certain solitude sometimes that is hard to explain. Recently I was reading an article about the most important things to do in your first year of teaching to avoid burnout. Suggestions like breathe, don’t be too hard on yourself, and over plan were the words of advice I expected. Then the article slapped me in the face with “Call your mom. She loves you and is proud of you. She will cheer you up and make you remember why you are doing this” or something along those lines. Thank you Education World, I appreciate that advice.

Needless to say, I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. Then yesterday my funk blew up into a temper tantrum that might rival that of a toddler. Why? I’ve just become overwhelmed with this sense of loneliness. I feel like an orphan on so many levels. And it’s hard to explain to people without sounding depressed or angry. I’m not depressed. At least I don’t think so. Although, I may be a little bitter. I’m bitter about lost connections. I’m saddened by people who stopped trying. Did I stop trying too? I suppose I have. I know life gets in the way for everyone, but there are some people who really try and others who just don’t. And that hurts.

I have been thinking (and overthinking) about everything and I do know there are plenty of people who support me and are proud of me. I am by no means saying I do not appreciate these people in my life; I really, truly appreciate them. But, I sometimes feel like I am standing in a crowded room of strangers. It’s kind of like arriving at a busy airport or train station looking for the person who is supposed to pick you up. You are surrounded by people, and often times they are nice and even helpful, but they are not who you are looking for. It’s that void, the anxiety of waiting for the person to pick you up, that I sometimes feel in life. It’s hard to explain and I’m not sure my analogy did it any justice, but it’s a start.

Here’s the irony of my situation. I wholeheartedly know that when my name is called at graduation my bestie will be cheering the loudest of anyone in the entire auditorium (I mean, have you met her??). I also know that I cannot wait to lock eyes with my hubby when I am standing on stage because I cannot wait to see that “You did it!” moment that will consume him. So why am I in a funk, you say. Honestly, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like it really comes down to an internal battle of quantity versus quality. Again, hard to explain; that was my best attempt.

I would apologize for the less than uplifting teacher blog post, except I’m not really sorry. I spent quite a bit of time thinking about all this and I just wanted to get the words out. It’s my blog and I can post my thoughts, whatever those may be…. Spoken like a true toddler wrapping up a tantrum….. *insert foot stomp here*. I guess what I am saying is that I needed a place to talk myself through this whole situation. There is a lot more to it that bothers me, but I know people have busy lives perusing much more entertaining social media outlets. So, if you did actual get to the end of this post, I would like to thank you for listening/reading. While I may not have clarity, I do feel better expressing my frustrations. And I suppose that’s a start.

 

I’m back! 

It’s been a long two weeks since my last post. Maybe not too long to my handful of followers, but it’s been long for me. 

Since my final quarter of grad school began in early January, I have been not only student teaching, but also working on the edTPA. What is the edTPA, you say? In one word, as my hubby put it, it is stress. It’s this process that consists of planning lessons, teaching and video recording said lessons, and reflecting on these lessons in a paper that’s approximately 25 pages. Sounds simple, right? Well, here’s the thing, there are also a million little rules that, in my humble opinion, have little to do with teaching. Margin size must be one inch or it is automatically rejected. Page length must be exact or it is automatically rejected. Font size must be Arial 11 or…. You guessed it, it is automatically rejected. And while trying to get every single edTPA duck in a row, I have been student teaching. There are just not enough hours in the day. Thankfully, we submitted the edTPA this past Thursday. My confidence level is low that I will pass, mostly because I felt so rushed putting this thing together in less than a month. I’m really hoping all my ducks are marching in a perfect military style row to Pearson for review. But knowing me, one of those ducks will be distracted by a butterfly mid-march and break formation, resulting in my failing score. At any rate, the waiting game begins. Results should be in within a month, so tune in to see if I will actually become a teacher or if I need to select a different career path. Again. Here’s a highlight from my wild and crazy edTPA prep last Saturday night:

In other news, student teaching has been going well. I started my full take over last week, which means I am teaching all subjects now. I was pretty anxious about math, and I’m still fairly nervous, but it has been going ok. All three 4th grade classes are participating in a math challenge to complete and master a variety of 4th grade standards. Two students have completed the challenge and the prize was to play the Pie Face Challenge with the principal. The principal lost both times and the kids went crazy with excitement. This week, the district superintendent challenged all the 4th graders to complete and master the 5th grade standards. He said he will play the Pie Face Challenge with the first student to finish the 5th grade standards and will have lunch with those who finish by April. Needless to say, these kids are beyond excited!

My favorite part of last week was our social studies class. We were learning about the states in the southeast region and touched on segregation in the south and the Civil Rights Movement. They learned about some key events and ultimately the three 4th grade classes participated in a peaceful protest. Groups of 2-3 students worked together to make protest signs for their march. I may be a little biased, but I thought our students had some of the best signs:

This upcoming week is my final complete takeover. After this week I will start to surrender classes back to their teacher. By choice I have opted to keep math and science longer to try to get more exposure to both subjects. I can’t believe I am just about at mid-point in my quarter. I feel that I can focus more on student teaching now that the edTPA has been submitted. I just hope to get the results soon so I know if I can relax and celebrate or begin working on resubmitting any or all of the edTPA. At this point, I’m alright with either alternative, I just want the wait to be short. Fingers crossed for the best!